I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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