I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
