Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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