how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
