I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
