my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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