I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
