Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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