Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
