I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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