You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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