On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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