Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
