I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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