i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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