watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
