You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Text me some of your sweat
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
