What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
there's paper in my vomit.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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