actually, I'm a sock model
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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