Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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