I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
