i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
