the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Randomize
