possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
