Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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