if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
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Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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