Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
