It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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