I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
