Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
