i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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