How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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