Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
