I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
