He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
