Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I currently don't understand fingers.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
