I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
