so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
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She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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