I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We're too hungover to prance.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
