I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We are two peas in an std pod
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
