This show inspires me to have sex in space
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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