I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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