I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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