Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
