I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
