Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
