I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
