God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
