her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i drank out of a bidet.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
