Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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