dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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