the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
