What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
