Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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