dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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