Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
