1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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