So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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